The ɡo͞otfər and why cyclists shouldn't be afraid
(Don't panic. You'll figure it out.)
If you’ve ridden your bicycle in the street, you’ve undoubtedly encountered road rage from our fellow steel-encased, roving death machine drivers. This road rage typically manifests in a number of ways — but it is always directed at you, the mechanical, nobler, occupier of the road.
And yes, you — the cyclist — are in the nobler position here. Anyone who manually propels themselves forward without the help of an accelerant is to be revered.
Yet, there are people who just don’t comprehend this and, in fact, believe that a cyclist riding a bike on the street is somehow wrong.
The person who feels this way is hereby dubbed a GOOTFR (ɡo͞otfər). This is because a GOOTFR’s go-to phrase in the wild is “get out of the f!@#$%^ road.”
I’m sorry if there are some of you reading this who are offended by those words. To be honest, I’m offended too. It’s grating. It’s ridiculous. It’s ignorant.
I had a brief encounter with a GOOTFR the other day, as a friend and I (hi Mike!) rode our bikes side-by-side heading west. We had some respectable head winds in the moment. The wind blew hard enough to prevent us from speaking to each other, because we couldn’t hear the words.
And so we couldn’t hear the GOOTFR’s car approaching us from behind. Typically, when I hear a vehicle approaching behind me, I’ll give it some room to pass or wave them ahead. Since neither of us could hear much of anything, these courtesies were not given.
As the GOOTFR passed us, he slowed and rolled his window down, yelling his namesake. There were some other obscenities and a certain finger waved around for emphasis.
These encounters are not rare. Sometimes a GOOTFR will choose a more passive-aggressive means to convey their disgust with the almighty cyclist, by gunning the engine as they pass. Sometimes GOOTFRs will honk as they pass. And sometimes they will intimidate you by swerving into you intentionally.
And sometimes GOOTFRs will hit you. This happened to me last year, resulting in a posterior shoulder dislocation, a compression fracture in my spine, a bloody butt and ripped lycra. I don’t know for sure if the elderly man who hit me is a GOOTFR, but there were certain decisions he made that lead me to believe he is, in fact, a GOOTFR — chief among them being he didn’t stop because he “couldn’t see” me.
The ironies are aplenty when we consider the GOOTFR’s behavior.
A GOOTFR is always in a rush. The main reason he hollers at an annoying cyclist is because he is having to spend an extra 10 seconds in his steel-shielded jalopy as he waits for his chance to zoom by us. Yet, as he passes by, the GOOTFR slows down in order to express his displeasure. He even goes out of his way to roll down the window so we might hear him.
And then there are GOOTFRs like Brandon, who can’t follow the simple rules of grammar, let alone the intricacies of safe vehicular operation. I think what he’s trying to say is cars > cyclists because drivers of cars pay registration fees and unspecified taxes and insurance.
Ugh. (So do cyclists, Brandon. OK, maybe we don’t get charged a registration fee, but that’s because the fee to riding our bikes is dealing with GOOTFRs.)
It’s not even worth sparring with this dude. Bless John for trying.
The best we can do, fellow cycopaths, is ride on the roads. The GOOTFR’s behavior should anger you, not scare you. The more cyclists GOOTFRs see, the more willing they might be to not be an idiot.
Eben Weiss said it best in his 2010 book, “Bike Snob: Systematically & Mercilessly Realigning the World of Cycling.”
“Right now cycling as a form of transportation is where swim-wear was in like 1890, but that will change. What put rock music on the airwaves? What got nudity on television? What allowed salsa to join the ‘canon of condiments’? More and more people listening to it, doing it, and eating it. The more people see of something, the more accepting they are of it. Yesteryear’s porn is today’s modest cleavage. So come on, cyclists, show ‘em your tits! People need to see you riding your bike to work. They need to get used to seeing bikes locked up outside of stores, bars and courthouses … Eventually, they’ll look for cyclists before turning, merging, or stopping because they’ll know we’re always there …”
Now, I do want to note one thing. Stop signs.
Ah. Never mind, I’ll save stop signs and red lights and other traffic signals — and the cyclists’ decisions regarding those transportation appurtenances — for another ranty post.
In the meantime, get out there, cycopaths, and ride your bikes. On trails. On gravel alleys. On bike paths. On roads.
Any memorable encounters with GOOTFRs, fellow cycopaths? Leave a comment!
