How to be a better butthead road cyclist
Top 10 tips
Riding a bike is a balancing act.
This is, of course, the first lesson one learns when finally mastering the mechanics of keeping the cycle and body upright, while moving. The muscles, the mind and the movement of the bike all work in concert to keep somebody from tipping over. And when it all clicks, it’s like magic.
There’s another balancing act a cyclist must learn to master, however. This is the lesson of balancing your civility with your inner animal.
When you ride your bike on the road — any road — you have to be willing to be mean. An arms-flailing, F-bombing pain-in-the-ass butthead. It’s how you survive against the road cyclist’s chief enemy: motor vehicles. The big, fast gasoline- and electric-powered automobiles driven by people who only need to pass one test their whole lives years before their brain’s frontal lobes are fully developed. They need only to be physically strong enough to lift themselves into a seat, turn a key (or press a button), hold onto a heated steering wheel and press lightly on a pedal. In fact, car manufacturers continue to strip away all responsibility of the driver to make driving as hands-off as possible.
So to avoid being hit by a person driving one of these space-bound road cruisers, a cyclist must learn to balance his civility with his buttheadedness.
Out of the saddle, you can go back to your civil self, the one who shakes hands with a smile and who says, “ope! Sorry!” when he forgets to hold the door open for someone at Starbucks.
Here are some practical things you can do when riding your bike on the road to perpetuate the stereotype that all road bikers are buttheads.
Do not stop at stop lights or stop signs. These rules of the road simply do not pertain to cyclists.
The goal is not to be visible. Reflective clothes are just a gimmick of Big Safety.
So are bike lights.
Oh, and don’t wear helmets.
When a car drives by in the opposite direction, the civil side of you will be tempted to wave to acknowledge their presence and your novel existence. Don’t do it. Don’t even make eye contact.
When you’re turning onto another street, don’t signal to anyone around you where you’re headed. Just keep pedaling.
When a car passes you and honks, or yells choice expletives, stoop to their level. This will greatly increase your ability to perpetuate the aforementioned stereotype.
When you’re riding with a beginner, take them on the route with the most climbs and the busiest streets. You will be doing all road cyclists a favor by kickstarting their journey to becoming a butthead.
When your nose is running with snot, wait to blow a snot rocket when there is a car passing you. Better yet, do it at an intersection.
Ride in the middle of the road, especially in busy traffic. Bike lanes and shoulders are for people who have been tricked into thinking riding a bike is dangerous.
If you’ve made it this far, I hope you know this is a joke — mostly. You should actually probably do the opposite of every single one of these tips — for your safety and for cycling in general.
Being a butthead on the road while riding your bike is a good way to give anti-cyclists ammunition they need to keep us off the roads. It’s also a good way to get yourself hurt or killed.
How about you? What “tips” do you have for being better buttheads?
I ride thousands of miles on the roads every year and try to show gratitude for nice driver behavior. When someone slows to pass me or waits for me to crest a hill, I always wave and frequently mouth "thank you" when they pass. They often wave back and smile. That is good for all cyclist. I always try to make eye contact when going through intersections to make sure they see me and always try to be polite. If we piss people off that will make it more dangerous for all bikers. I have seen some dangerous car driver behavior and had close calls!! Stay safe out there!
Don’t forget to ride on the sidewalk weaving through pedestrians.