Cycling and toddler parenting
A how-to guide from the non-default parent
How-to guides are pretentious. This isn’t really a how-to guide, as I do not pretend to know what I’m doing and I don’t expect parents to read this and think, “Hm. Maybe I should try that.”
But more people seem to read articles when the word “how” is in the headline; so yes, this post is unapologetically designed to get you, the reader, to click on it and read it.
With that frank opening out of the way, here’s what writer-types call the “segue” or “transition.” (Newsy types call it the “nut graf.”) In each case, it’s the sentence or paragraph that determines where the rest of the article will go.
I’ve learned some things in my brief five years of being a parent and I have decided to share them with you — the cycopath, who, like me, is in constant search of the elusive cycling window.
The first thing: every parent of toddlers needs a bicycle. It could be a real bike or a metaphorical bike. Parents need something — whether it be four whole minutes of uninterrupted social media consumption, the reading of a book or magazine article or four hours of pedaling bliss on a bike — to remove themselves from the daily throes of parenthood.
Carving time out for cycling is the tricky part. Having more than one toddler requires 2.5 parents at best, and 1.5 at the very least. The calculus here is simple. Non-default parents (NDP) equal 1 parent. Default parents (DP) equal 1.5 parents.
If you’re unfamiliar with the default and non-default parent phenomenon, here’s a real-life scene depicting the difference between the two: the DP is in the basement laundry room, transferring washing machine contents to the dryer. The NDP is sitting on the couch, upstairs, with the toddler. The toddler realizes she has emptied her cup and calls out for DP for a refill. When DP does not answer, because DP is otherwise busy, the toddler gets up and searches for DP, all the while making her desire known, loudly. The NDP attempts to reason with the toddler — because it would make sense for the NDP, who is RIGHT THERE NEXT TO THE TODDLER, to help refill her drink — to no avail.
The DP always has the answer and solution to the toddler’s question and needs. Even if the DP is on another physical level of the house or showering or asleep or attempting to peacefully go to the bathroom.
In our household, I am the NDP. My wife and I are solid partners, and I do all I can to even the workload, but hers tends to be the heavier load most days.
So, in many ways this post is for the NDP. The one who needs guidance on finding and jumping through that elusive cycling window. (But if you’re a DP, you can do whatever the crap you want — you’ve earned it, dammit.)
Below, I’ve charted out a day that tracks a DP’s parentness, which changes as certain tasks either fail or succeed throughout the day.
-Early mornings: Default parent = 1.5 parents
-Mid-mornings: Default parent = 1.25 parents
-Early afternoons: Default parent (DP) = 1.15 parents
-Mid-afternoons: DP = 1 parents
-Successful nap time: DP = 1.5 parents
-Unsuccessful nap time: DP = 0.75 parents
-Dinner prep time, successful nap time: DP = 1.5 parents
-Dinner prep time, unsuccessful nap time: DP = 0.5 parents
-Post dinner time, successful nap time, successful dinner consumption: DP = 1.5 parents
-Post dinner time, unsuccessful nap time, successful dinner consumption: DP= 1.25 parents
-Post dinner time, unsuccessful nap time, unsuccessful dinner consumption: DP = 0 parents (ALERT: PARENTNESS INTERVENTION NEEDED)
-Post dinner time, successful nap time, unsuccessful dinner consumption: DP = 1.25 parents
-Bedtime, successful everything: DP = 1.75 parents
-Bedtime, successful somethings: DP = 1.5 parents
-Bedtime, unsuccessful everything: DP = 0.25 parents
As you can see, DP’s parentness diminishes as he/she loses patience until nap time. But a successful putdown for nap time will recharge the parentness level back to 1.5, as nap time is synonymous with silence (a highly underrated medication).
Unsuccessful nap time results in the shedding of a quarter of parentness from the mid-afternoon parentness level.
If unsuccessful nap time leads to an unsuccessful dinner consumption, watch out. When this happens, the NDP automatically transitions into DP — whether NDP is ready or not.
However, if everything (solid nap, fun/simple dinner prep, willing dinner eaters) goes smoothly, the DP actually earns a quarter level of parentness, bringing the score up to 1.75. This does not mean the NDP can coast, though. Bedtime has proven to be tricky.
So with this knowledge, we can now observe where the ideal windows of time fall for cycling, or social media’ing. I have ranked the windows from best to worst below.
Early mornings. This is the best window of time, yet do not be fooled — using this window is the costliest of them all. It requires preparation the evening before, such as successfully shepherding the toddlers to bed and ensuring a relatively successful night of sleep.
Bedtime. This is a good window of time, but only if the parents have been successful at all, or nearly all, the previous tasks.
During a successful nap time. This is another solid window of time. But beware: if the toddler wakes prematurely during your absence, the DP’s parentness diminishes.
Post dinner time, pre-bedtime. This window is OK, but only if there is a successful nap time and successful dinner time.
If the default and non-default parents have not succeeded at more than half of the daily tasks, the window of time for cycling has closed. It is now both parents’ responsibilities to console one another, thus recharging each other’s parentness levels so that they can do it all over again the next day.
If you’re a parent, default or not, do not fret about missing the cycling window. These windows are small, and they seem to shrink while parenting toddlers.
And there’s always cycling during working hours. This window of time, though exceedingly rare, does pop up from time to time. But beware, jumping through this window is fraught with moderate-to-severe risk. I explore this in a separate post.
And now, a serious note.
I love being a parent. I really do. In fact, I often imagine myself looking back at these “parenting woes” and missing them. Toddlers are hilarious and unreasonable and adorable and maddening — all at the same time.
This post is tongue-in-cheek. Of course it’s absurd.
BUT.
There is truth in the fact that I get excited — borderline giddy — when I do find the time to get in the saddle for some cycotherapy. It’s in the saddle where I “escape” the responsibilities of parenting for a time. But it’s also in the saddle where I think about my kids. It’s where I appreciate my family, my life.
It’s in the saddle I become a better husband. It’s in the saddle I become a better human. And it’s in the saddle I become a better father.
A good, solid bike ride now and then is a great anti-venom injection to fight off total insanity, no matter what the cause. Great article!